by Denise L Shaw
From my childhood I struggled with insecurity. Of course, I did not know what it was or understand it until I was well into high school. Even then, I only understood it simply enough to say that I had it. Most of my classmates thought me to be conceited, but it was really just me overcompensating for a deep-seated sense of inferiority. By the time I reached college, I had learned it was a problem and that it was likely something that I would need to manage for the rest of my life. I thought it was just a personality quirk and that nothing could be done about it. I would simply have to live with it. Over the years as an adult I had done a lot of self-examination and thought I knew what had caused it. Yet again there was nothing to be done about it except to manage it, at least so I thought.
By the time I was 34 years old I held a Bachelor of Science degree in business management and had also graduated from one of the most prestigious Bible schools in the world. I was married to a wonderful man of God with two beautiful little girls. We had successfully completed a decade of assignments working in supportive roles of ministry. I had personally assisted the leading prophet of the land with his correspondence. We were respected. We were successful, walking in the blessings of God. Now, it was time to embark upon full-time traveling ministry. We moved to our “promised land” to launch out into the deep.
After moving to our new home, we selected a church of like-precious faith. It would be our home base for ministry. We had not yet met the pastors, but knew it was the place the Lord had prepared for us. Our first service in that church brought about a permanent, yet unexpected change for me.
Upon arriving to the church that night, anxious to meet our new pastors, we were disappointed to learn they were on vacation. There was a guest-minister who would be speaking. I don’t remember what he preached. I can’t even remember his name. Yet, the altar call is forever emblazoned upon my conscience. After preaching his message, the speaker basically demanded every person in the building to come to the altar. I didn’t like it. He was too bossy and brash. He then began a long discourse about “snuggling up to Daddy God” and planting a “big ole, sloppy kiss on His face.”
By that point, I had become righteously indignant. How dare he refer to Father God as “Daddy”? How dare he belittle God to such a low estate? I was standing on the edge of angry wondering what in the world we had gotten ourselves into. He just kept it up. “Come on! Just crawl right up in His lap and plant a sloppy kiss on His cheek.” Fuming, I thought, “Why, I never! I never even did that with my own Dad. I would never dream of being so disrespectful to God.” In that moment, the Father stepped in and said, “That’s right, you didn’t. And you’ve been insecure all of your life because of it.”
This unexpected moment, this statement completely shocked me!
My earthly Dad was a great man and a good father, a hard-worker who provided well for his family. Yet, as the Lord pulled back the curtain, I saw myself standing at the backdoor of my childhood home waiting for Daddy to come home. His truck would pull into the drive. I would jump for joy, “Daddy’s home!” He’d walk in the door, pat me on the head and immediately move toward the basement to take off his work shoes. I remember regularly feeling disappointed: Daddy doesn’t want to play with me. Day after day, week after week, the pattern was set and the enemy of my soul was standing by to amplify my father’s exhaustion as rejection. I was the problem. Something must be wrong with me…
Back to the altar service, with such authority the Father said, “You’ve been insecure all your life because of it… I am going to deliver you from it this night. And you will never have to deal with it again!” Then He drew me close. I could hear His heart beating inside His chest. And, just like that (snap), a lifetime of unlovable disappeared. No more insecurity. No more rejection. It was all gone in a flash. And just as He promised, I have never had to deal with it again.
When I walked out of the service that night, I didn’t even think the same. My thought patterns were no longer filtered through a lifetime of hurt and rejection. I had had a dramatic encounter with the Lord. In the first moments after being set free, I remember being embarrassed to think of the many previous years of ugly, bad behavior. Fifteen years later sitting with a former co-worker over lunch, she marveled repeatedly about how much I had changed; you don’t even act like the same person. All I could say to her was, “I am not the same person,” “I have changed,” and “God did it.”
To this day I hardly ever speak of it because it was such a holy moment. Yet, the time has come.
Now here are some simple observations I would like to make:
What set the stage for such a dramatic deliverance? The pastor of the local church – the one we had never met – was in the habit of praying in this manner: He prayed for everyone in the church to have what he termed, love experiences with God.
A love experience with God is exactly what delivered and set me free from a lifetime of insecurity.
Now that’s what I call a deliverance ministry.